You, Then Him

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. Mainly because work and school took over my life but also because I was focusing on other things besides love, men, and relationships. In 2012, I made a commitment to focus on myself and my personal growth, not professional not academic, but personal.

I realized that while I was nurturing my ambitions and intellect, I was not nurturing my soul and spiritual well-being (if this sounds intense, it’s because it is); so I decided to step back from my “do, do, do” mentality and just sit with myself, reflect, and work at becoming whole. For me this means working on the parts of myself that I constantly neglect: my emotional, loveable feminine side.

I’ve never felt more complete and at peace than now, when I’m bettering myself consciously and willingly, but what does this have to do with you? Two things:

1. I’m back!

2. I suggest you consciously work on yourself too!

Sitting with yourself and confronting the good and bad will open you up to your full potential and all the possibilities in your life; including love. I find that when you repair your heart or any hurt with purpose you become more positive and open. People begin to gravitate towards you. Men see joy and confidence and want to be around you.  If you don’t change your mentality and make changes then you can never attractive good things to your life.

It’s not just about being pretty, smart, or nice. It’s also about being open to amazingness (yes, I made this word up) in your life. So recognize that you need to grow and make an effort to reach your potential so you can be completely happy with yourself and attract love.

This isn’t only about external love but also about loving yourself. It’s not only about him but it’s about you too! When you let go or confront baggage you become a lighter and happier person. The companionship, romance, and love will come to you then.

Are you willing to take a constructive, hard look at yourself? Do you think that consciously ironing out the kinks in your life and outlook will have a positive effect in your life? What will you do to make changes in your life?

What’s Wrong with a Square?

What’s wrong with a square? Nothing, but he can be a jerk too.

When I started writing this post I argued that sometimes we need to look past a guy’s corniest and recognize his great and stable qualities. He may not have swag but he’s smart, funny, responsible and so on, but then I realized that the square can be a prick too! Although I am a strong advocate of standards, it’s important to remember that standards include traits that are beyond “good on paper.” The guy might have a college degree from an elite school, works at a major financial company, and even be slightly entertaining but if he’s condescending and insecure, what the heck can you do with that?

Sometimes we are so taken by what a guy has to offer that we don’t look at the red flags. Then there are those of us who see the red flags but think, “I’m being too picky,” or “He’s not that bad.” But a red flag is a red flag. A guy might have amazing qualities, but if he makes you uncomfortable and leaves you speechless (not in a good way) every time he opens his mouth, then leave it alone because nothing good can come from that situation.

This is a warning. Don’t be taken with a guy’s resume. Always make  note of his social skills and personality traits. If every time he opens his mouth, you have a “Did he really say that?”  look then walk away. Actually, run!

Have you ever met a guy that is good on paper but is an absolute jerk? Do you give it another chance or do you walk away from the situation?

He’ll Change. . . An Old Excuse

There comes a time in our lives when relationship fails are no longer excusable and I don’t mean the type of mistake where you meet Prince Charming and 4 years into relationship bliss he drops you like a hot potato; I mean a relationship fail where you date the guy with a bullet logged in his eye whose on the “Most Wanted” list,  has 10kids with 9 different women in hopes that “he’ll change.”

I think that time and time again women use this excuse because they don’t value themselves. They don’t want to hold out for something better and they don’t believe they deserve better.

It breaks my heart when I see women consistently make the same mistakes over and over again. I’m not going to say that I’m mistake free but I will say that I’ve learned my lesson and thankfully it only took two times for me to get the hint. I realize that not only was I ignoring red flags but I was also under-estimating myself, selling myself short.

Here I am, an ambitious woman with a plethora of experiences and I was dealing with selfish men that thought it was cute to say, “I’ve never been out the country, so you can take me?” or “Can you cook?” or better yet, “You’re going to help me get ahead.” Why should I have to help you, do the things that I was able to do myself? Why should I deal with someone that only wants to take from me?

When I finally realized that I was consistently getting involved with men who had nothing to offer, I put a stop to it. I realize I much rather be alone than be consistently hurt and used. Like Adele said recently, “No one treats me better than me,” and in my case, no one treats me better than me and my mom; so why not focus my energy on myself and the people who enjoy being with me for the sake of delighting in my company!

If I were to have continued selling myself short and engaging with men that have nothing to offer, I would have no one else to blame but myself. It’s important to realize that you can’t sell yourself short, you can’t change anyone but yourself (and even that’s hard) so you’re better off creating standards and filtering men out based on what you truly deserve instead of picking up whatever comes your way and trying to “change him.”

Do you still believe that you can change a man? Why do women continuously make mistakes and fall into a disastrous pattern when it comes to men? Is it that women want to be caretakers, have low self-esteem, or don’t learn their lessons? Have you been able to break self-destructive dating patterns?

You’re More Than Your Dating Life

“You don’t want to date anybody because if you did, you would go out and try. You’re not trying.” These are the words of my cousin on a dreary Sunday evening as I casually complain about dating. When she says this I realize, “Man, she’s right.”

Sometimes, I realize that my complaints about dating are superficial and meaningless because like Adele said, “No one treats me better than me.”

I’m more concerned these days with my professional and personal development than dinner with a schmuck that will most likely illicit dead stares and annoyance from me.

I think that sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves and not get caught up with society’s expectations or pressures. I think that as women we often start to doubt ourselves when we haven’t been on a date in a month or two or a year maybe years.

If this were sixty years ago and as women our livelihood depended on men then maybe it would be a legitimate concern but as women of the 21st century, we have a lot more going for us and a lot more to offer so we shouldn’t define ourselves by our dating history but continue to be focused on bettering ourselves.

What do you think? Do you focus too much on dating and less on yourself? Do you find yourself complaining about dating only to realize, you don’t really care? What are the most important things to you in this moment of your life?

Quickie Courtships, Even Quicker Marriages: Are they real?

At the heel of Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries, I got to thinking about quickie marriages. Are they meaningful? Do they last? And better yet, what the hell were they thinking? The rich and famous can marry, break up, and move on as they please because they have the resources to heal quickly aka money to go on a two month vacation in Fiji while getting massages, going on shopping sprees, and frolicking with the sexy local. . .

. . . but what about the rest of us?

What does rushing into marriage mean for the common folks? Is that a risk we should take? I think that love comes at different times and in different ways. I have to admit that at one time I was cautious and took my time and other times I’ve been more carefree and quick to it, both ways failed which comes to show that it’s not necessarily about the time-frame but it’s about introspection; really looking at the person, weighing the pros and cons, and leveling with your heart. You can know your love for a month and if he’s solid, compatible with you and has no dead bodies in his closet then take the plunge. You can make the same mistake with someone that you’ve known for 10 years that you can make with someone that you’ve known for 10 days if you decide to be blind.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend eloping with someone that you spent 5 marvelous days with at a Sandal’s Resort but I wouldn’t pass judgment on you either. The thing is that you never know what will be the outcome of a relationship. Love and relationships are risks no matter how much you invest in them because people can change in an instant. People are unpredictable but you just have to be open to working on it and coping with whatever challenges come with the relationship.

So yes, I think quickie marriages can be equally as valid as a long-term relationship that leads to marriage. Would I do it? Not necessarily. There is a higher risk in making that vow in a shorter period of time but pledging your life and heart to a person puts you at risk regardless of the timing of that commitment.

Just make sure you run a background check before you commit. You never know. . .

Do you believe in quickie marriages? Do they last? Do you think a relationship of 10 years is more meaningful than a 1 month relationship? Would you marry someone after knowing him/her for a few months? What would motivate you to marry someone after a short period of time? Or what would dissuade you from it?

Friends with Benefits (the movie)

Friends with Benefits starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis tackles the ever elusive question of can friends who have sex just be friends? In the end of course not and this movie although atypical in storyline has a typical ending.

The movie starts with the typical smoregesborg of rom-com. Boy meets girl, boy and girl become friends, boy and girl take it there and boy bails out. If the movie ended there then it would be real life but Friends with Benefits gives us the false hope that a booty call can be a knight in shining armor and the answer to our perpetual singledom (alright then). What does set this movie apart is the family element. The real life struggles of family life that make the characters more relatable and also stops you from gagging(just kidding. I love rom-coms. No I do).

All this to say that you should watch Friends with Benefits. It’s refreshing, touching, and there’s an undeniable chemistry between Timberlake and Kunis. If nothing else JT has a lot of body shots and I can’t complain about that!

Will you be watching Friends with Benefits? If you saw it, what do you think about it?

It Can Happen to You

I received some feedback and even after posting this post I had some doubts because I wasn’t sure that I was conveying my message clearly. The purpose of this post is to inspire women and encourage them to keep hope alive and know that the possibilities are endless.

With that in mind, I’ve changed the title of my post from “Why Her? Not Me?” to “It can happen to You.” I personally find inspiration and happiness in the successes of my friends. When something great happens to someone, I’m excited and supportive of them. Especially when they had doubts and then their wishes have been fulfilled. I hope that the title change represents the positive message of this post.

I have been communing with a group of amazing women. We provide each other with emotional and spiritual support. We share our fears, aspirations, and most importantly, our success. We share our successes not only to “brag” but also to let each other know that “If it happen to me, then it can happen to you.”

This isn’t meant in a jealous or envious way. It’s a genuine statement that emphasizes the positive and endless possibilities. The fact that you are equally deserving as I am or your best friend with the perfect life or even Kim Kardashian, Michelle Obama, Snooki, and even Kate Middleton.

The point is that when you wallow in your singledom and think “Why her? And not me?” It’s counter productive to your being. It’s negative and envious. Instead, you should be inspired and positive. Think, that if love is possible for someone else then it’s possible for you. You’re special too and you deserve love as much as the next gal.

Do you feel inspired by your friends’ relationships?