Lessons Learned

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

I don’t believe that there is a lesson in every life experience, sometimes sh*t just happens, but there are some experiences that we must recognize the reasons for and make sure we prevent them from happening again. Love is one of them.

I have a tendency to pick guys with potential but who are amazingly unstable in their present condition, meaning money problems, unsure of their future, etc. So, although I see all that they’re capable of achieving and they speak of all they want to achieve, they are never taking the necessary steps to make their goals a reality. Because these men aren’t go-getters in life, they show no initiative in relationships. If you’re unable to stabilize yourself outside a relationship, what can you possibly offer someone within one? With that, I need to make conscious decisions in my next relationships to not negotiate on stability, so that I don’t fall into the perpetual cycle of “picking the wrong man.” I learned, the hard way, but I learned nonetheless, and if I make the same mistake again, it’s my own fault.

Each relationship should teach you what you want and don’t want from future ones therefore stopping you from picking the same type of guy over and over again. It’s masochistic to put yourself, continually, in the same situations. If you see that you’re consistently getting hurt in relationships and you’re seeing a pattern in the men you meet, then you have to step back and recognize that you’re making wrong choices. There’s only so much blame that you can put on men because although you can’t decipher every man that comes your way or predict that he’ll do a 180 in a few months, you should at least proceed with caution. Make sure you get to know the man before you put all your eggs in one basket and if you see characteristics in him that you recognize in your previous demise then walk away.  There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself.

Now, I’m not going to say this easy nor is a man’s defects always immediately apparent but there are red flags, big or small, and it’s your responsibility to recognize them.

The Fail-Proof Broken Heart Treatment

For the second time around, I’m reading “Eat, Pray, Love”, an uplifting and inspirational book by Elizabeth Gilbert;  while reading it, I came across “The Fail-Proof Broken Heart Treatment” and decided this is something that needs to be shared because we often suffer horrible withdrawal after a broken-heart and try to do things like keeping busy with work, crying, and talking endlessly about the heartache in order to get over it, but I think the steps described in the book by a Balinese Healer are actually helpful and realistic steps.

“She said, ‘I know cure for broken heart. ‘Authoritatively, and in a doctorly manner, Wayan ticked off on her fingers the six elements of her Fail-Proof Broken Heart Curing Treatment: “Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny,” (264).

I never fully realized the power of the heart and heartbreak until I experienced it and being the ever practical, and somewhat impatient person that I am, I want a solution besides “the healing power of time.” These steps really do help because I have personally taken some of them and will make it a point to follow through on the others. Yes, it takes time but in that time take these steps to make it pass and once you go through them you’ll find yourself in a better place and with a clearer perspective.

Vitamin E: Supplements never hurt anyone and vitamin E has many benefits especially skin benefits and it aids in the prevention of many diseases like Alzheimer and asthma. So you’ll have great skin and healthy insides to attract the next one and yes there’ll be a next and potentially a better one if you learned your lesson the last time around.

Sleep: Sleep is restorative; through sleep we regenerate our mind and soul. Get rest because the emotional roller coasters can be exhausting, plus when you’re sleeping you won’t be consciously torturing yourself about the whole thing.

Drinking water: Through water you purify and hydrate your body. It filters all the bad stuff out and it will quite literally cool your insides which have been on fire since the bum played you.

Take a trip: It doesn’t have to be far but get away from it all. Get away from all the reminders of the relationship and the stress of your normal life that only exasperates the pain that you’re feeling. Go visit family in another state, a weekend in your best friend’s parent’s country house, or, if you can, go to another country. Yes everything will be the same when you get back but at least you’ll be calmer and therefore better equipped to deal with it all.

Meditate: Too often we don’t reflect on our heartache and what it has changed in us and how we can protect ourselves from future relationship problems. Through meditation we can better understand the situation without the heartbreaker and soothe our emotions. Meditation can be quiet reflection, deep breaths, yoga, or praying. By meditating you can create peace with the situation and not walk around like a zombie. Remember, meditation doesn’t mean analyzing every single detail of the breakup; it means situating your inner thoughts and feelings so that YOU can feel at peace.

Destiny: Although we have free will and the ability to shape our lives, ultimately a lot of the things that happen are out of our control, and we have to accept them as givens, as our fate, and move on from there. The reality is that life happens and we can’t always make sense of everything nor should we. We should accept that it was part of our destiny and move on from there. This is the hardest of the 6 steps because we are always analyzing our lives and want to maintain control of it, but the reality is that our lives are influenced and sometimes determined by other people and events that are beyond us, but through meditation and centering ourselves we can learn to neutralize our reactions to our surroundings.

Is Your Man Cheating?

 Great post on how to get your man to admit he’s cheating.

7 Mistakes Women Make in Dating

Saw this article on Glamour’s Relationship section. I’m usually opposed to the advice that women magazines give, but this was an interesting read and comes from an experienced and realistic writer versus the nonsense they usually publicize in magazines.

The list details these mistakes:

1. We feel entitled.

2. We think we have unlimited options.

3. We’re judgmental.

4. We’re pickier than men.

5. We go for the alpha males.

6. We think, “I love me more.”

7. We think he needs to share every interest.

Reading through this list, I agree with all of them, but I think this is directed to a very particular woman. This is the woman that sees love as an entitlement instead of as an intangible connection between two people. But what happens when you don’t make any of these mistakes or just one, okay or maybe two, and you still don’t find love? I think for now, I can say I’m living and learning. As a woman in her twenties, I’m not at a stage where I have to look at these mistakes and evaluate my approach to men. I know I’m judgmental, but I also know that I have the capacity to love with an open heart and mind. I have never judged a man by what he has but by his character, heart, and most importantly our connection. I don’t believe I’m entitled to love, but I give love and kindness in the hopes that it will be reciprocated.

If you are older and making these mistakes then it’s important to stop and look at yourself, what am I doing wrong? Am I picking the wrong men for the wrong reasons? And as a young woman, avoid making these mistakes and learn from each relationship. I’m always cautious about thinking that every experience is a lesson and not just life happening, but sometimes experiences really are lessons and sometimes it’s best to look at it as lesson rather than a tragedy.  So, I say learn from your mistakes and make sure that you do not repeat them, and despite the hurt and constant heartbreak never stop living with an open heart and avoid those 7 mistakes because they will most definitely stop you from meeting that special someone.

Is it really this simple?

Found this image here and thought it interesting. Whether, I completely agree? I don’t think so. Men are more straightforward in their decision making than women, but their thought process can be so one-tracked that it’s complicated.

Black Women and Love

I have seen the disadvantages of being a black woman in the dating game since the age of 10. I blamed society for perpetuating standards and ideals that Black women* fall short of; but as I got older and in the midst of all this “Black Women Will Never Marry” frenzy, I realized that although this is a societal, cultural, and community problem, it’s much more an individual problem. Black women have much more control over their dating and marital status than they think they do.

I’m not a serial dater, but I’ve never had a problem snagging the man that I want,whether it lasted or not, that’s a different issue, but I think our problem is our attitude. As professional, educated black women, we have a sense of entitlement, but a relationship isn’t based on “Are you good on paper?”, it’s about character, compatibility, and love. Having a BA and a MA qualifies you for a job, not a relationship. What does it matter if you’re the most educated woman in the world, but you are resentful and negative. Who wants to deal with that? I assure you, black women, that it’s not your success that is messing up your love life but your attitude.

Way too often I see a group of beautiful, accomplished black women and, honestly, they seem standoffish. There’s an aura of burden, eagerness, and resentment. I think that we have to relax and be comfortable enough in our own skin to know our value and know that if we want a relationship we can have a relationship. What’s stopping black women from having a relationship is the fact that we are hung up on “there aren’t enough professional brothers out there,” or “no one wants an educated black woman.” These thoughts need to stop because they are doing us a huge injustice.

Every black woman that I know, professional and “unprofessional”, who has an open-mind and open-heart when it comes to love finds it, again whether it lasts or not that’s a different issue, but the opportunity is there.

Once black women stop measuring love by money, education, and status and starts focusing on a man’s heart and compatibility then they will be in a better place, but most importantly when we start believing we can find love, it will come to us.

* When I say black women, I speak about black women across all nationalities.

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to all the boys i’ve loved before by mayda del valle (Complete)

First time I posted this poem, I only put up part 1. Here’s the complete poem. part 1: we are not your mothers and are not meant to be it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years yet you come to us wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time trying to suckle our sense of self dry we’ve become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows have become accustomed to waiting for our empty beds to be weighed down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent and the hands of other women mornings with swollen puffy eyes are becoming routine and we simply wanting to be loved simply wanting to be able to love ourselves unconditionally simply wanting to be held and feel safe simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not play Hester Prynn wear scarlet letters on our chests become adulteresses cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve willing to settle for less willing to act like a little less than a goddesses willing to sleep with the enemy men too scared to stop acting like boys thinking we can love away their scars so we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute fast fading memories of playing hopscotch and skippin’ rope we now play freeze tag with each other’s hearts play hide and seek with our love if we just don’t breathe maybe we won’t get caught up in the spider’s web we weave while waiting for what we give away to be returned part 2: you said you had a photographic memory but apparently you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself and the ones you claim you love should have never wasted my time and just acted like the man you claimed and told the world you were made a production of setting my folks at ease with tales of how you’d do all it ever took to never break my heart I guess you thought you were talking to a roomful of the deaf and blind figured they didn’t hear you coz I never saw it coming but the truth cannot be hidden what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light my love you shoulda known that claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly so I left chasing paper trails of promises you’d already set on fire left with nothing but the ashes of who you’d written that you were and singed fingers from trying to grasp the impossible and the only thing I’ve really lost are lukewarm kisses that for too long I kept trying to tune the beat of my heart, a few lies, and stories about honesty and truth I guess shit happens I just wish it wasn’t me and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all I know that’s some easy shit to say but I’m still gonna try to live by it I’m still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty I will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and hold the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I’m sorry to her I’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved and I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me

You can do better?

“You can do better.” What does this even mean? These are the words that I’ve heard in so many different situations, so many times to so many different women in so many different situations. I begin to wonder is any man good enough? We all have expectations and an ideal man, but if we pick someone that doesn’t meet our standards completely, does that mean we’re settling? Not necessarily. I call it compromising and compromising in a relationship isn’t bad as long as you remain happy. Not every man will meet our ideals, but can’t we look at a man and see him for more than his job, education, or money? I don’t think it’s fair to say “he’s not good enough for you” because no one can really understand your standards and needs. Sometimes people can’t even admit their own. Sure, you need someone that can provide for you, but aren’t happiness, passion and love more important than a check? I believe so.

I don’t take  comfort in the words, “you deserve better” because what is better? This is definitely a case by case basis but if you deserve better, where is it? And whose to say what you have or had isn’t the best? Better or the best, is an enigma because anything can always be better. What’s important is that you find the best for you and NOT what others think is best.

It jeopardizes our relationships when we listen to these words because it makes us risk what we have in search of something more that may not exist. When we listen to other people’s advice, it jumbles our heads and stops us from getting what we want versus what others think we should have. No one can tell you what you need except you. Listen to YOUR heart, mind, and, most importantly, your instinct when it comes to YOUR relationship.

Great Post on the Things that Men Say

Great post on the things that men say .