I want to talk about the nice guy and why he finishes last. I’ve been thinking a lot about the “nice guy.” In recent years, I’ve been confronted with a few of them and they usually turn out to be a bit off. They’ll propose marriage, profess love, and take personal swipes at me when I don’t immediately reciprocate their feelings. I’ll never forget the guy that trashed my blog and accused me of using him for fodder for my blog. Hmm . . . (maniacal laugh…just kidding).
These encounters have had me racking my brain in an effort to understand “nice guys,” and why they finish last. These men have so much potential and yet they are single. I had a feeling as to why but until recently I haven’t been able to pinpoint it until now.
First let’s define the “nice guy.” The “nice guy” isn’t really a nice guy; he’s really an awkward guy with a touch of neediness; a man that doesn’t have the best social skills, is non-threatening, makes some sort of effort, and cares about what others think about him.
A nice guy is a man who is kind and genuinely interested in what you have to say and offer. It’s a man that wants to help you be your best, and make your life easier. It’s a guy that makes you smile and is there when you need him most. And most importantly, he’s a man that acts like a man. He is his own person and isn’t looking for you to define you. He complements you not consumes you.
It’s important to differentiate between a “nice guy” and a nice guy because we often confuse quietness and social awkwardness as nice because we pity the person. Usually men who keep their heads down and stay to themselves are considered nice guys because they aren’t bothering anyone but these are the ones that you need to watch out for.
Because “nice guys” usually stay to themselves, they lack social skills. They instantly attach themselves to a woman, and project extraordinary expectations that he can not fulfill but expects you to live up to them. The “nice guy” also victimizes himself making you feel like the “bad one.” Since men aren’t usually the emotional ones, we as women feel guilty and responsible for making the “nice guy” feel bad about himself.
Another trouble with the “nice guy” is that he feels that his passive behavior is a substitute for being an actually nice person. The “nice guy” will lash out on you but in a passive-aggressive way, because he’s not putting it out there in an overt way, he thinks that he still has the upper-hand and any reaction that you have is excessive. He also feels that all his on paper qualities validate and justify his behavior.
All of these qualities are just as unacceptable as the guy who stands you up, forgets your birthday, and keeps you holed up in his apartment. The one good thing about the “nice guy” is that he is willing to please but this could go either way. Yes, he’ll probably try to make you happy but he’ll definitely keep it in his back pocket to remind you of all the great things that he has done for you.
All this is to say that you should not feel bad for letting a nice guy go or even feel confused as to why you aren’t head over heels for this so-called “nice guy.” But because I am a nice person, (not to be confused with “nice person”) I will say that you can give the “nice guy” a little bit more leeway than the traditional bad boy because contrary to the bad boy the “nice guy” does care but he just isn’t socially adept and that is sometimes fixable. Operative word, “sometimes.” You can work with someone but you can’t change him. Remember that. Don’t get caught up in trying to mold someone.
And a message for “nice guys,” no one is dumping on you but you are victimizing yourself, putting unnecessary pressures on the women that you are dating hence driving them a way. Have some confidence in yourself, enjoy the dating process, and wait at least a few months before you tell a woman that you love her.
What do you think? Is there a difference between a “nice guy” and a nice guy? Why do you think that “nice guys” finish last? Are they equally as wrong as a bad boys?
P.S. These are some of the same reasons a “nice girl” finishes last. . .more to come on that.